There are many thoughts and feelings that I have been wanting to share. However I am struggling right now to put them into words. And even if I could perfectly execute them, “would they really matter or make a difference?” – my insecurities.
There are times when I am struggling to stay afloat as the heaviness & darkness of my tortured mind attempts to drown me. I am consumed by fear, anxiety, insecurity, anger, loneliness. I start creating negative narratives in my relationship and friendships that simply aren’t real.. but I am convinced otherwise. I have become deeply sensitive, over thinking every thought, emotion, situation.. is this the depths of my soul dragging me to the darkness? Or are these areas that DO in fact need & deserve my energy and focus, so I can heal from the inside out? Or Is it simply this virus effecting my every move? or maybe it’s just boredom and my minds twisted way of keeping busy? Whichever it may be, doesn’t change the fact that these emotions feel incredibly real, damaging and at times debilitating.
Then there is the guilt. Look where I am ? I am sitting on this beach front property I so fortunately get to call home. I am isolated in a PARADISE.. while millions of others are truly suffering. “How dare I be sad or anxious. How dare I complain. How dare I allow myself to feel suffering. It’s not fair.” Now I am mad at myself. “Snap out of it Clarissa, these aren’t real problems.” I force myself to push past this. ”Use the tools you have gathered over the years. You know how to beat your anxiety and depression.”
Then there comes the days or even just small moments of feeling my light, my love, my power. I practice all of the little things that serve my being, that fill me up. I feel my happy, loving, silly, energetic self coming to surface. On these days I feel like I have the power to help & heal others. THIS is the energy that I want to be putting into myself, my loved ones, the world. When I feel lifted I witness myself overly extending my hands out to those around me to help them rise. I feel empowered. Then.. eventually I crash. My energy levels drop and I mistake this as sadness. Because low energy must mean negative emotions, right? Obviously not, but my mind recently has been confusing the two. If I am not on a high then I must be in the depths (FALSE). Then the cycle begins all over again.
Living in extremes is exhausting, confusing and most importantly unhealthy. I am doing my best to break through this intense cycle. I am reminding myself to be kind, be gentile, be patient. Inner peace won’t happen over night, in a day, or even a week. Somedays I will have it, others I will lose it.
And lastly, I am giving myself permission to fail, to feel, to not be okay. Because resilience is created under stress. Without it, we would not grow.